notjustanothergirl's Datingish

Monday, March 15, 2010

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 05:07:25 GMT

Writing personal letter=good idea...sending it with lack of consideration of consequence even if we want to send it to the person intended=not so good idea...Karma working beside you=priceless...so when is it my turn Karma?

So basically I just finished writing a letter to someone that had a lot of what I'm feeling right now and in the last few days. I'm not going to send it because, well, it's not the best and brightest idea to do so. I guess writing letters but not sending them can be helpful. If only to just help you breathe a little and help you sleep a little better at night.

I wrote it on a blog, but not here on Datingish or on my Xanga account. It's on my LJ account. IDK why I have 3 blog accounts and not to mention a MySpace and Facebook. I rarely go on my Xaga account now. Not sure why...eh well, we'll see how I'm feeling in the next few days...

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:33:59 GMT

I hate how every time I feel like I'm going to be ok, I break down and cry. Every time I actually feel ok, I breakdown and cry. I just want to be happy again. Crying takes too much energy and heartache is too painful.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:45:43 GMT

And, still after all this time, my heart belongs to him and I still love him...

Friday, March 05, 2010

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 03:26:21 GMT

If you asked me two months ago what was keeping me up all night, or wakinf me up with a racing heart, I would tell you that it was due to nightmares. Nightmares that I would be left behind, abandoned; that there are things being kept from me; that me heart will be broken.

I shoved quite a few of the larger things he had given me at the back corner of the closet. Some of the other things are in suitcases within the bedroom I currently reside in, afraid to look at them. Afraid to bear more pain than my breaking heart already has. I came across notes he sent me, things he wrote, and a card. A card that even before I took it out of the envelope which read my first name with his last name that stated he had wished to marry me, I was already crying. I took the card out and cried even more and harder. The cover had a heart that was shaped by many rosebuds in a bouquet. And right above it said "I love you for the person you are." Inside the card was written reasons why the sender, which in this case was him, loved the receiver, me. I read each one slowly and having to calm myself down a little and wipe the tears so they wouldn't blur my vision anymore than they already have. He signed it with "Love" followed by the name he loves to be called by. A name I wish not to repeat. Below his name was a few x's and o's, the only way he was able to send me his hugs and kisses. I cried even harder. (I cry hard now as I write this.)

Somewhere in this room is a sterling silver ring. A blooming rose is it's pendant. It is quite heavy on the finger for such a small thing. I cried as I held it late Monday evening. That ring was a promise/engagement ring, or as he said a pre-engagement engagement ring. That promise ring he gave me almost 15 months ago came with promises that he loved me and will love me as long as we'd both live; that we would get married; that we'd be together, grow old togeher, raise child together, watch our grandchildren grow up and hope to see great-grandchildren before we die. He promised me happiness that he would take me out of my current misery at the time to a place I'd be much happier. He promised me that he had put the pieces of my heart together and is holding it safe for me so I should stop my crying as he tries to dry my tears for me even at a dstance.

Now both card and ring, though given at two different and seperate times, remind me of hopes and dreams I'm never going to see in fruition. Now they both remind me of promises that couldn't be kept, that would never be kept. Everyday is a challenge as I fight not to cry. Everynight I cry myself to sleep, every morning I find myself crying silently to an empty space. And sometime in the middle of the night I wake up crying. I ride the bus and all the other public transit I use to get to where I live trying not to cry. My heart is too heavy with grief for all the broken dreams I once had. My heart is aching and full of pain from the hopes of those dreams coming true of a "happily ever after" betray me.

I know now that there's no happily ever after. Not for me. He has done to me what she did to him...disapear and leave behind so much unbearable misery. I should have known better than to believe him when he promised me he wouldn't do to me what he did to her. Love turns people into fools. It was my foolshness that got my heart broken, that let it get broken. Because now I'm without him. It makes me wonder now if he ever realized the misery he is putting me through now, a misery that was worse than the misery I've had before. It makes me wonder if he realized that he's put me into worse hurt than at any moment before since meeting him. It makes me wish that he'd know what I was feeling now, all the misery and heartache, the fear. It makes me wish that I could make him feel how I'm feeling, how unbearable this pain is. It makes me wish he would have the same unbearable pain and misery and wish that things were the happy way they should be.

So two months ago, if you asked me what kept me up all night, I would tell you nightmares. Nightmares of pain. Nightmares that he promised won't come true, not if he could help it. Now, two months later, if you asked me what keeps me up at night, I'd tell you nightmares that came true.

So much for my happy ending.

Post-Break Up Blues

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 03:14:23 GMT

So this has been playing on my mind for a while now after seeing some relationships happening around me coming to an end. People have different ways of dealing with break ups. Personally I'm not the type of person to hook up with someone new not long after a break up. I know I'd craush and burn and fall on my butt harder than if I fell hard for the guy I broke up with. I go through phases of eating, not eating, being happy then sad before being resentful, regretful and even slightly vengeful but never acting out any possible revenge. I also spend time with friends, time alone, time with family, write either blogging, poetry, or fiction. Usually they take a while before I know I'm completely over the relationship and am enjoying being single before considering dating.

So my question is, what have you found to be an effective way to get over post-break up blues?

Sacrifice--Happiness

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:52:30 GMT

While many people scacrifice a bit (or a little more than a bit) of their own happiness out of selflessness so that their SO can have his/her happiness. Knowing that something will make someone we love so much happy, it means a lot of personal hurt and pride taken out. But how much is too much? And how much of your happiness did you sacrifice? What was it that you did and for what exsactly did you sacrifice your personal happiness for? In the end was it worth it?

I ask this out of curiosity of other people's opinion.

Making Promises, Going Through With What You Said, and Keeping Your Word.

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 05:56:57 GMT

One of the things that annoys the hell out of me is when someone doesn't keep the promises they make or don't go through with what they say they'd do. It's like why make it if you're not even going to keep your promise or do what you say you'd do?

Recently someone told me they'd do something for me. They haven't. And today that person told me they'd do the thing they said they'd do for me for another reason and it's because of the club they're in. It's like what's the purpose of telling me that you'd do something then not do it but do it for others who aren't even that important? That's why I'm reluctant on making promises especially if I don't know if I can keep them. Nor will I say I'd do something other than and errand if I'm not going to end up doing it. I'm conscious about breaking promises or not following through to others especially to the people who matters a lot to me.

Like the O-Town song "All or Nothing" stated, "Don't make me promises Baby you never did know to keep them well."

Things I Look For

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 05:34:56 GMT

In looking for my own Mr. Right, this is a list of what I've come up with based on current and past relationships and other guys I've only dated but neither one of us considered our dating anything more than just that. The list is also some attributes I've found based on some of my guy friends I've had throughout the years.

This Is what I have so far.

Physical Attributes

Tall - Something not too much of a problem for me. I only stand 5'1/2" if not 5'2".
Hair - Weird to say, I like guys with natural looking hair meaning if he's going to change it's color, nothing funky. Must be a natural hair color. I also seem to be a bit weirded out if his hair is longr than mine. We are not Sharon and Ozzie who should be the only exception to a rule like that.
Smile - I like it when a guy smiles often. I've only dated/been in a relationship with 1 guy who pretty much refused to smile unless he was making a joke which were never funny.
Eyes - I don't have a preference in eye color.
Race/Ethnicity/Religion - Againg, no preference. Just as long as he can acept me as me and my views in life.

Personality

A Gentalman - So many things have gone wrong with the last 2 guys I was in a relationship with (one of which I'm currently "with") who claimed to be one. Yes there's the typical paying for the meal, holding the door (which neither one has done), etc. But one of the biggest flaw of these two had was talking about, wanting and begging for sex and anything sex related within the first 2 weeks of the relationship or less. (One guy I know even mentioned it on the first date. Yeah, good-bye...I hope the door slams on you...) I like the type of gentleman who wouldn't even bringing it up in the first month because that's still the "get to know" phase for me.
Humor - I like guys who can be funny without sounding stupid, perverted or racist. I've dated one guy who claimed to like Asians but talked only about Japanese girls and doesn't know shit about the country's culture and joked about AIDS saying "AIDS came from the Philippines" idiotically thought I, a Filippino, would have found it funny. Another guy, when we were watching the movie "College" joked, asking me "Wasn't that what you did in college?" referring to girls who were drunk, very provocative and premiscuos, something I'm totally not. I hardly drink at all and I'm definitely not premiscuos.
Intellegent - I like guys who I can talk to about almost anything without being afraid to talk about various topics. I haven't been lucky with this considering the guy I'm with (something that's questionable af of late) I can't talk to about anything without him saying "Well that's stupid" or "You're wrong", etc.
Loving - And that means also if I want to say something about myself and he's watching an episode of House on one of his dvds, he'll pause it and let me talk. Because what's more important, learning about your SO or watching a rerun or a new episode you can later watch online about what snarky comments House gives in that hour?
Patience - I have little patience with guys who aren't patient with me. If they want me to be patient with them, they should be the same with me. Easy as that. Don't push me to do something I don't want to do at the moment or am not comfortable with. That would only lead me to be spiteful towards you.

My list will be updated as I find more things I'm looking for in a guy.

Things I did because I loved him

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 04:38:47 GMT

Things I did because I loved him:

Put up over 6 months believeing the ex he was friends with wanted him back and then 6 1/2 months later he tells me she doesn't.
Put up with that friendship period.
Willing to leave my life in San Diego, California so I can live with him in NY.
Shave an area I didn't want to just for him.
Play a game he played because it was another way he and I can interact other than iming and txting only to have him start playing 2 other games. His friend had to remind him that I only played that game because he played it and I had no other reason to play it if and when he doesn't. His friend.
Decided not go to San Fran State University because he doesn't like California and it would be wasting money going from California to NY then California then NY again. He wants to get out of California the first possible chance and doesn't want to look back.
Straining my friendships because they no longer will be living down the road let alone the same time zone.
Be so far away from my family in California and live in NY where at the least his mother and some cousins live in reasonable distance.
Decided to not get a cat I really wanted because he absolutely hates them.
Told him he could keep his friend, just don't expect me to be friends with her like I don't expect him to be friends with my friends. I'd like to keep seperate friends as well as some mutual friends so on days we want to spend on "me time" we would have our own set of friends to hang out with.
Didn't bother to ask him to get rid of the gifts his "last" ex (though supposedly he had a short lived relationship after this said ex before me) because I knew he wouldn't "replace them. Those gifts include shirts he supposedly hated (one he wore right after he and I had sex which was a blow in the gut), candle holders, lamps, dishes, picture frames...the list goes on. Also didn't bother to tell him to get rid of pictures he kept of his ex's for the same reason of not asking him to get rid of the gifts from one of the ex's he wouldn't do it. (Says him he didn't want to throw away the picture because he took the pictures, which I found a stupid reason but I still didn't tell him to get rid of them.) The gifts he said he liked them, and though I knew and still know there are things out there that he'd like more, I still knew he wouldn't want to replace those gifts so I didn't tell him to get rid of them. The pictures I knew was hopeless to ask. He wants to get married and keep these things and I'm not going to tell him to get rid of them because he asked me not to.

Things he did for me:

"gave up" the friendship with his ex because I wasn't comfortable with it but bitched about it constantly.
bought me things because it's a way to show his love when I told him that I'd rather him show his love without buying me things.
is willing to let me have 1 dog, but he continues to say he really doesn't like them.
told me he was willing to stay in California, but then said he'd be miserable about it...then said he'd stay as long as he's with me.
says I'm so beautiful like any of the elves in Lord of the Rings but then goes about saying how he looks so much like an ugly-ass ogre or whatever standing next to me in our pics. Not the best way to make me feel as pretty as you tell me I am.
Supported my decision/consideration of going into the military (Navy or Air Force) only about 8 or 10 hrs (if even) after he did everything to get me to not sign including hurt me. He hurt me so bad and convinced me to the point that I believed that I made the wrong decision and so much other things. I have uncles, cousins, and good friends in the military who tells me about military life so I'm aware of the lifestyle. And this boyfriend is someone who had left the military after 8 years deciding he didn't want to make it a career.

**Edited--I'll be adding things as they happen.

What To Do?

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 01:22:57 GMT

Over the weekend I was talking to my current bf about his friendship with one of his ex. When they dated she was manipulating the relationship. One of his biggest problems is he doesn’t think before he acts that’s why that happened. Supposedly she's changed and they've been friends again for a year now. In the beginning of our relationship last summer he told me she wanted him back for a while. Because of that I absolutely loathe her for being such a skank then and now for wanting him back. And I loathe the friendship. Plus how can you stay friends with someone who supposedly wants you back while you’re in a new relationship? Over the weekend I told him again I’m uncomfortable with their friendship especially I’ve been led to believe for 6 months she wants him back. He told me that he was wrong to have said that without proof and that she doesn’t want him back. And he just tells me now? WTF?

He says she’s changed. If it’s true she hasn’t made an effort to get to know me to prove otherwise when his other friends have tried to get to know me. For 6 months I believed she's a threat. Result: I loathe her. I have 6 months worth of believing she hasn’t changed enough and still wants him back causing me to distrust her. Because I was “misled”, I spent all this time not wanting to get to know her. He's done something before where I can’t trust him, a story I mentioned on an earlier post.

I believe trust in a relationship is very important. Every time trust starts building up again he does something to break it. I won’t deny I may be wrong about how I feel, I just can’t help but feel if idk if I can trust him. I’ve told him before that an ex of my ex wanted him back and that partly ended the relationship. So when he told me that this ex wanted him back it freaked me out. What hurts is he let me believe it for 6 months. When I told him how uncomfortable I was with the friendship, he told me that had it been some other ex he'd maybe end the friendship, but the "circumstances are different" with this ex. Again WTF? He didn’t even explain what the circumstances were. Without an explanation I’m still uncomfortable. I’ve gotten obsessed with finding evidence of her signs of her wanting to spend even more time with him now that we’re engaged. Like she plays an online game that he plays a bit of and she "wants to go back to playing WoW," the game he mostly plays. And she wants him to listen to her radio show and always asks him every chance she could.

It hurts knowing that everything could be one big lie. What should I do?

*EDIT--After asking him about the circumstance of why he's still friends with this particular ex, he has told me that he continues the friendship because "she's changed". I'm still not wholely comfortable with it. And after requesting that we go to couples counciling, he was reluctant to agree saying that it wouldn't do much good. I'd still like advice on what you think I should do.

P.S. I appreciate everyone's advice and comments.