If you asked me two months ago what was keeping me up all night, or wakinf me up with a racing heart, I would tell you that it was due to nightmares. Nightmares that I would be left behind, abandoned; that there are things being kept from me; that me heart will be broken.

I shoved quite a few of the larger things he had given me at the back corner of the closet. Some of the other things are in suitcases within the bedroom I currently reside in, afraid to look at them. Afraid to bear more pain than my breaking heart already has. I came across notes he sent me, things he wrote, and a card. A card that even before I took it out of the envelope which read my first name with his last name that stated he had wished to marry me, I was already crying. I took the card out and cried even more and harder. The cover had a heart that was shaped by many rosebuds in a bouquet. And right above it said "I love you for the person you are." Inside the card was written reasons why the sender, which in this case was him, loved the receiver, me. I read each one slowly and having to calm myself down a little and wipe the tears so they wouldn't blur my vision anymore than they already have. He signed it with "Love" followed by the name he loves to be called by. A name I wish not to repeat. Below his name was a few x's and o's, the only way he was able to send me his hugs and kisses. I cried even harder. (I cry hard now as I write this.)

Somewhere in this room is a sterling silver ring. A blooming rose is it's pendant. It is quite heavy on the finger for such a small thing. I cried as I held it late Monday evening. That ring was a promise/engagement ring, or as he said a pre-engagement engagement ring. That promise ring he gave me almost 15 months ago came with promises that he loved me and will love me as long as we'd both live; that we would get married; that we'd be together, grow old togeher, raise child together, watch our grandchildren grow up and hope to see great-grandchildren before we die. He promised me happiness that he would take me out of my current misery at the time to a place I'd be much happier. He promised me that he had put the pieces of my heart together and is holding it safe for me so I should stop my crying as he tries to dry my tears for me even at a dstance.

Now both card and ring, though given at two different and seperate times, remind me of hopes and dreams I'm never going to see in fruition. Now they both remind me of promises that couldn't be kept, that would never be kept. Everyday is a challenge as I fight not to cry. Everynight I cry myself to sleep, every morning I find myself crying silently to an empty space. And sometime in the middle of the night I wake up crying. I ride the bus and all the other public transit I use to get to where I live trying not to cry. My heart is too heavy with grief for all the broken dreams I once had. My heart is aching and full of pain from the hopes of those dreams coming true of a "happily ever after" betray me.

I know now that there's no happily ever after. Not for me. He has done to me what she did to him...disapear and leave behind so much unbearable misery. I should have known better than to believe him when he promised me he wouldn't do to me what he did to her. Love turns people into fools. It was my foolshness that got my heart broken, that let it get broken. Because now I'm without him. It makes me wonder now if he ever realized the misery he is putting me through now, a misery that was worse than the misery I've had before. It makes me wonder if he realized that he's put me into worse hurt than at any moment before since meeting him. It makes me wish that he'd know what I was feeling now, all the misery and heartache, the fear. It makes me wish that I could make him feel how I'm feeling, how unbearable this pain is. It makes me wish he would have the same unbearable pain and misery and wish that things were the happy way they should be.

So two months ago, if you asked me what kept me up all night, I would tell you nightmares. Nightmares of pain. Nightmares that he promised won't come true, not if he could help it. Now, two months later, if you asked me what keeps me up at night, I'd tell you nightmares that came true.

So much for my happy ending.